Sometimes, prayers really are answered...

(This is what transpired Saturday...and how I got another chance...)

Today is Yom Kippur. And I’ve been feeling crap for longer than I’ve wanted…often asking G-d to help me leave this place (metaphysically) and have some peace.

If I play my cards correctly, I just may be able to achieve it. Metaphysically. And if that happens, I will have gained the Awe of these 10 Days.

Before last night’s 1^st Al Chet (the confessional prayer), our Rabbi read some personal confessions from congregants that were humorous (the kids’) and poignant (the adults’) and my own formulated out of my pain: And for the sin of not knowing how to start to make thing right, selach lanu, mechal lanu, karpeir lanu. (Forgive us, pardon us, grant us atonement.)

And I cried through the rest of the prayer.

After services, I greeted my friend and she asked if I’ve been writing…my inner Eeyore kicked in and I replied: Only cover letters, lots and lots, that no one is reading.

Throughout the evening and in my dreams, I kept thinking of my Al Chet, and how I replied to my friend. These weighed on my mind through services this morning. Earlier I had a little brekkie and I told myself that I broke the fast because I felt weak when I woke and because I’d lost a few pounds over the week. I felt I had rationalized and that is a form of beating myself up. My prevailing feeling was negative. I exuded negativity. And negativity is physically heavy and draining and a burden and only encourages more of the same. And it feels simply awful. Nothing good – what I craved above all else – ever comes of it. Ever.

When we stood a bit later, the little girl behind me inadvertently pushed my chair into my knees and quite automatically, I pushed it back. Then I thought: Why be that person? She didn’t do it intentionally. Find another solution. And I did.

That’s when it hit me. Just be Positive. While I’ve always been grateful for all that I have – too many wonderful things about my life and in my life to list here – I have let negativity and to some degree self-pity have its way with me. It was one aspect of Me I couldn’t shake; it was seeping from my pores. And I realized that if I let it persist, I’d remain unemployed and I’d remain down and I’d remain in this rut I’ve carved for myself.

Before Rosh Hashanah started, someone suggested that for this new year, I should resolve to not put myself down. I thought – rationalizing maybe? – that I was just being self-deprecating. Apparently, my friend saw through the all-too-often put downs and called it what it was. This was also on my mind throughout these High Holy Days and was the spark I needed to survive. And to grow.

So now, as I think about having broken the fast before it began, I’m not assailing myself for sinning. I honestly feel that I’ve done as commanded: I removed the distraction, the weakness in my body, that would have impeded my concentration as I sought to gain insight and spirituality on this Holy Day.

That’s what resolutions and spirituality and growth are all about, right?

Maybe I’ll email my friend and share this as a way of explaining my downer reply – Maybe I’ll just let her see the new me – Maybe the peace I’ve found today will transform me back to the person I know lives inside –

Maybe I won’t have to say a word.

            For the sin of negativity,

            And for the sin of repressing ourselves –

            Selach lanu, mechal lanu, karpeir lanu.

And may we all be written into the Book of a Positive life.

Amen.


And with a small piece of sweet Pumpkin Bread, I truly broke my fast.


Details?
Here goes:


-Preheat oven to 350 degrees and lightly grease a loaf pan with spray oil.
-Put 4 (store-bought) crispy ginger snaps or spice cookies in a zip-top bag and bash into small chunks. Set aside.
-In mixer, beat 6 T butter (room temp) with 3/4 cup dark brown sugar and a 1/4 cup regular sugar until fluffy then beat in 2 large (room temp) eggs, one at a time, until well incorporated.
-Add in 1 can (14 to 15 oz) pumpkin puree, a half t vanilla extract, 1 and a half cups flour, 1 t baking soda, a quarter t baking powder, 1 t salt, 2 t cinnamon, 1 t ground ginger, a half t each of grated nutmeg and cloves and 2 handfuls of walnuts.
-Carefully beat until just blended then pour batter into prepared pan. Top with reserved cookie crumbs.
-Pop into the oven for 1 hour 25 mins...it's done when a skewer comes out clean from the middle.


It's traditional to celebrate the new year and new beginnings with something sweet...and it's always good to say thanks for being blessed with life, sustained, and for reaching this day.